When Presence Wasn’t Enough

By Lane French

Morning Surprise

It was one of those mornings when you’re not quite sure how much sleep you got until later in the day. Coffee felt like the first essential step. While it was brewing, I walked into the living room and saw Steph. I could tell she was struggling with something big.

This had become somewhat normal for us. At times, either one of us — or both simultaneously — would be processing old belief systems, behavior patterns, or attitudes. These clearing periods were often messy.

I sat down beside Steph and made eye contact. Yes, she was deep in an intense clearing and wanted contact and comfort. I was still trying to get my brain fully online. The less I said, the better I thought it might be. Saying the wrong thing would have been easy.

This time of morning, I am usually very open spiritually — my defenses still offline. Feeling Steph’s energy was easy. It felt conflicted, confused, mixed.

I was there. And in that moment, all I could offer was presence.

The Shift

A few minutes into this, Steph’s energy shifted — and not in a good way. It shifted toward me.

She became upset that I wasn’t engaging more with her. She got up and walked away, even more upset than before I had sat down to comfort her.

I felt confused. It seemed she was too quick to judge. Now both of us were conflicted.

After getting my coffee, I sat on the couch replaying the interaction — thinking about how unfair her reaction felt and how I had done what I could in the moment.

Then my mind quieted.

That’s when I heard a soft voice in the back of my awareness say:

“It’s not what you did — it was about a lack of compassion.”

Eureka.

My ah-ha moment.

Lack of compassion.

Discovery and Course Correct

In that instant, I saw clearly where this had been a pattern in past relationships. This wasn’t new. This had been part of who I was.

With clarity came choice.

I could continue the pattern — or I could change it.

I was willing to change. I wanted a deeper, more intimate relationship with my beautiful wife. And I wanted to shift this pattern right in the middle of it — not later.

In my mind, I replayed the moment of non-engagement. This time, I altered the scene. I saw myself leaning in. Speaking. Expressing warmth. Offering reassurance.

I lived it internally and felt it in my heart.

The shift was palpable.

Something in me reorganized. I was so absorbed in the realization that I didn’t immediately register what had changed — only that something had.

It felt as though a protective layer around my heart had softened, even melted. With it came a subtle sense of freedom — perhaps from old, unexamined hurts.

Tears began to well up.

I couldn’t wait to tell Steph about the reflection she had unknowingly provided — helping me see who I had been, unconsciously.

Making It Right

I offered a sincere apology for not stepping up. I shared what I had realized and expressed my desire to be more attentive to her emotional needs.

I no longer wanted to be a partner who couldn’t access awareness and compassion when it mattered most.

Since that reflection, my behavior has shifted. It isn’t forced. It feels more natural now to lean in and offer that level of presence and support.

…And Furthermore

I know there were many moments in my childhood when I built layers around my heart for protection. I remember being a very sensitive child, easily hurt. It felt embarrassing when my sensitivity led to tears in front of others.

For me, part of the spiritual journey is about reconnecting with our authentic self. We must learn to love all parts of ourselves — the light and the shadow alike.

Barriers around the heart, in particular, can hinder that rediscovery.

Sometimes, it takes another person — and the friction between us — to reveal where those barriers still remain.