The Project That Built My Boundaries

By Lane French

The Setting 

My daughter, Shannon, was so excited to show me yet another possible location for her new hair salon. This would be about the sixth one I had inspected. It was an office building, and the space was in rough shape. Nearly every wall would need to be moved, and the rest of the space gutted. There were other tenants on the same floor, so most of the work would have to happen at night and on weekends.

Shannon was assuming I would do the work. I knew she didn’t have much money and likely had no idea how much a remodel of this magnitude would cost — well into the tens of thousands. Luckily, I was a general contractor specializing in remodels, so I understood what was involved. However, I was very busy with my own business and had commitments to existing clients and completion schedules to meet.

It’s difficult to turn down an opportunity to help one of your own children. This would be challenging, but I would do almost anything to help my daughter in her growing business.

The Set-Up

I happily agreed to take on the project and help financially as well. I began working at night with a couple of my employees. I was essentially working double shifts — managing my contracting business during the day and the salon project at night.

It didn’t take long before the exhaustion began to wear on me.

Shannon visited the project often. I soon began to feel pressure from her about when the new space would be completed. She wanted to start getting the word out about the upcoming grand opening. This added to my stress level, though I was doing the best I could. One thing that is nearly certain in remodeling is that completion dates are, well… uncertain.

During the finish work, Shannon, her partner, and a friend did show up to help. It meant a lot to see them putting forth effort alongside me.

A couple of days before the planned grand opening, however, my world was beginning to crumble. I felt over-stressed physically, mentally, and emotionally. I think I hid the anxiety fairly well, but inside I was at my wits’ end. Last-minute details and clean-up can take forever.

The Breaking Point

The straw that broke the camel’s back came two days before the opening.

I showed up at the salon one morning to find lots of people moving furnishings and other items into the space. This was a major problem for me. Now I had to work around people coming and going — and around objects that hadn’t been there the night before. I had to walk down two flights of stairs just to cut a piece of trim.

It was too much.

I like to think that I “went with the flow.” I proceeded to do what I could as efficiently as possible given the circumstances. Honestly, I have zero recollection of what happened next. I must have lost my temper.

My daughter — who was also under tremendous stress — called me on it and made it clear that my attitude was not acceptable. She wasn’t gentle about it. Her tone felt condescending and inconsiderate given everything I had been carrying.

I felt like leaving, but I didn’t. I put my head down and focused on my work as best I could.

Later that day, after finishing, I slipped out without saying goodbye to anyone. I felt disrespected, misunderstood, and unappreciated. In my exhausted state, that was almost more than I could handle.

The Aftermath

It took several days to recover from the double-shift schedule. During that time, I reflected on my last interaction with Shannon.

How could the one person I’m closest to treat me this way?

I couldn’t shake the heaviness I felt. It had cut deep. And yet, I knew in my heart she hadn’t meant to hurt me. It still hurt, though.

A small victim surfaced in me. I even thought, perhaps we won’t be very close anymore. Sad to admit, but in that moment I felt oddly at peace with that possibility.

The Ah-Ha

It was in this space of letting go that the tension I was holding began to soften. Clarity slowly emerged.

Then came the realization.

It wasn’t about my words or actions in that moment. It was about what Shannon was reflecting back to me.

I had entered into a large project without clearly setting boundaries. Clear boundaries would have prevented assumptions about the schedule. They would have also allowed me space to rest during the project and avoid the level of exhaustion I had reached.

Working with regular clients is challenging enough. Working with family can be even more complex. I hadn’t created any form of agreement with my daughter. We were simply winging it.

This whole event wasn’t about Shannon. Yes, she spoke words that hurt. Yes, I was exhausted from working double shifts. But I had allowed the conditions that set the stage for my temper to flare.

I took full responsibility.

Then I asked myself: What is this showing me for my own growth?

The Nugget

I dug deeper into my words, actions, and feelings leading up to the breaking point. What were these feelings revealing about me?

I discovered what I already knew.

I over-committed because I hadn’t set boundaries that respected my personal limitations. My people-pleasing tendencies had no boundaries either. By not clearly defining my limits, I unknowingly allowed Shannon to create her own expectations. 

The realization was impactful — perhaps because it involved my beloved daughter.

Setting boundaries no longer felt optional. It became necessary.

As a result, I gained a deeper sense of self-respect and greater patience with others — and with myself. I now accept responsibility for communicating my boundaries when appropriate.

I no longer see boundaries as limitations placed upon relationships. I see them as a lubricant for mutual respect.

The Test

How do I know this boundary is holding?

A couple of years later, Shannon had another area to remodel for her growing business. This time, I declined.

I genuinely wanted to help. But I was not willing to over-commit again.

Since the original salon project, Shannon and her partner have thanked me many times for the effort I poured into that space. And by the way — our relationship is better than ever.

Post Script

In theory, setting boundaries sounds easy. For me, it is neither natural nor simple.

In practice, it requires awareness — knowing when to set a boundary and what kind of boundary is needed. Introducing boundaries into an existing relationship can also take courage.

But sometimes what feels uncomfortable in the moment becomes the very thing that preserves closeness in the long run.